Why It's Okay to Look: The Illiterate Sports Fan

I've lived in the Boston area for just over a decade now, and the number of men I have met who could be serious contenders for a relationship has not exceeded the number of fingers I have, excluding thumbs. It's getting to the point where I am thinking that maybe New England is not the place for a native southern California girl to find...well, love OR lust. It's time to start documenting my search for the "L" words (both of them) for the giggles and groans of not only my readers, but for posterity as well.

The picture above is real. Not doctored. Not Photoshopped. Not created by me for a laugh. Real. Real disturbing. Being a fan is one thing, and being a fanatical fan is pretty work-a-day around these parts. Trust me: this guy's friends probably think this tat is wicked cool. And they should know, because they (his friends Sully, Neil, and O'Douls) are the bosses of what is wicked cool because they are wicked smaht. They'll admit they're not Roads Scholars, but they didn't even know about scholarships for roads or they would've applied. Anyway, this dude is smart, too, and if you don't believe it, just check out his ad (copied and pasted without revision, I swear):

Hey ladies listen I am a loyal Guy trustworthy sweet Italian I have an edge tho LOL I'm not desperate just trying to change the scene I like live. Musick the Boston night live funny! Movies I'm not into drama or b.s so if u want to know more shoot me an email with pics I have pics to trade I just gave u a taste I'm 5.9 and 200 lbs green eyes well hmu if u Wana know more I don't open spam email s so title the email not spam hope to hear from u all

The number of things to make fun of here is so numerous that I think you'll have more fun finding them on your own than having me point them out one by one.

Thank you, "30 attractive italian northshore." Thank you for making the terrible student essays I grade seem suddenly unterrible. Thank you for helping me believe my mom who tells me that I'm just too cute and smart for the guys out there. Thank you for making me listen to my friends who always say that it's not me, it's you--the men, er, boys--and that I really AM attractive and funny and smart and that the supply of quality guys around here just can't keep up with the demand. I always think they are just being nice and that if I believe them it will be a surrender to the single girl Kool-Aid. Well, I surrender. Pour me another glass.

Pillow Talk

I can't sleep.
Mmm?
I said I can't sleep.
Sorry, baby.
Don't be sorry. Just keep me company.
I am. I'm right here.
Yeah, but you're sleeping. Wake up and keep me company.
I am awake.
No, you're not awake.
I'm talking, aren't I?
Yes. But you could be sleep-talking.
I'm not sleep-talking.
Okay. I just can't stop thinking about today and how—hey, are you listening?
Mmm-hmm.
Really? Then what did I just say?
You think I'm sleep-talking.
After that.
After what?
Never mind.
Okay.
Okay? Okay? I said I can't sleep and that I wanted you to keep me company and you said you would and now you're sleeping and when I said never mind you said okay. You're so mean.
Alright, baby, I'm up, I'm up. What's on your mind? I'm ready to listen.
Forget it. I'm too tired to talk now. And besides, now I feel guilty for waking you up.
But now I really AM up. Look, I'm sitting up, my eyes are open, I turned on the lamp. I'm listening.
It's just that earlier today those kids at the mall were looking at me and laughing. I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but am I that hideous? I mean, I've put on a few pounds, sure, but...
Baby, don't you worry about that.
...and we're not having sex as much as we used to.
That happens with kids.
I know. Still, I worry that maybe you just don't find me attractive anymore.
Oh stop. Of course I find you attractive.
Really?
Yes, really. And I love you. Even though you worry too much. And even though you're too sensitive.
You're right. I am too sensitive.
It's okay. It's kind of endearing. Even cute sometimes.
Thanks. That's exactly what I needed to hear. Can we cuddle? I think I can fall asleep now.
Of course we can cuddle, baby. Anything for my husband. Good night.

Geesh. Ain't that JUST like a man?

After the First Date: Text for Success

So, guys, you finally got that girl to go out with you. Mazel tov. And the dinner went great. And you were on your game. And she seemed into you. And there was a hug, or kiss on the cheek, or even on the lips. All in all, a great first date. You want a second one? Well, there's a lot of advice out there about how to make sure you make that happen. If you were smart, you lined it up before you let her go, but that's still no guarantee. You need to nurture this tender, new relationship...and let's be honest: if it was a good date, there's nowhere to go from here but down. So you don't want to screw this up.

What To Do and When

Make a lasting impression. Make sure she thinks about you all week. Set yourself apart as an original. Be sincere. Be unique. Be bold.

Text her before you even start driving home. In fact, text her WHILE you're driving home (Who cares if it's against the law? What's a moving violation in the face of love?). And text her a LOT. Not just one message. Aim for at least half a dozen that first night. And keep it going all week.

What NOT to Text

You don't want to be trite. Or weak. Or mealy-mouthed. So, don't use lines that she's heard over and over again from all the other guys. Avoid standard lines like these:

* Text me when you get home so I know you made it there safely!
* The food was good but the company was better. Thanks for a great evening.
* I'm still laughing about that funny story you told. Can't wait to hear more soon.
* That was the best first date ever. I say we go for the best SECOND date ever.
* I can't stop thinking about that kiss. You are so great. I'll call you soon.

YAAAWWWN! No, no, no. Do NOT say any of those things. She's heard all these lines before and she didn't end up with any of the pea-brains who said them. Here's your chance to pull away from the pack.

What You SHOULD Text

Think bold, original, specific. Something that lets her know you were paying attention to the details of the evening. Something that tells her you are a man with your own mind. Something along these lines:

* I paid for dinner and didn't get any action. You can make it up to me though. Let's say on Friday you pay AND put out.
* Sorry I was such a klutz tonight, but I only dropped my napkin so often so I could look down your blouse when you bent over to get it. I totally saw your bra.
* I just realized that you said it “supposably” which makes you sound ignorant. Good thing you're so smokin' hot.
* Hey, I wanted to tell you this in person but was too scared: you've had a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth all night.
* Your face and body are burned in my mind...and I will use them to pleasure myself when I get home.
* I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. I love you. If you don't text me back and say you love me too, I have a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack and I'm not afraid to use them.

Get the gist? Leave her wanting more. Leave her wondering if you'll still be alive next Friday. Leave her knowing that you definitely want to hit that if you ARE still around next Friday. Leave her knowing that you'll be thinking of her a LOT, especially in bed and in the shower. Leave her knowing that you'll probably never leave her alone and that she will one day have to file a restraining order. After being disappointed by so many other men who wouldn't commit, didn't stay interested, couldn't say the “L” word (let alone the “M” word), and let their eyes wander to everything in a skirt during dates, women will find your relentless obsessiveness refreshing and comforting. In no time, you two little lovebirds will be on your way to a mutually satisfying codependent relationship. You're welcome.

Christmas: The Season of Santa and Strippers

'Tis the season to complain about the season.

Today is December 23 and I was out on the road today. The traffic was horrendous, roads were slippery, drivers seemed cranky, and I felt stressed. There are so many things to complain about during the days and weeks before Christmas, and everyone does complain, and, amazingly, we still find it fresh and new to read about how ironic it is that during this season of giving and goodwill and peace on earth, we are really at our worst.

Remember Christmas in 1983 when Coleco couldn't make enough ugly-faced Cabbage Patch Kid dolls and stupid parents loved their children so much that they would drive 95 mph all night long across multiple state lines to join a mob outside a toy store for a chance to riot in the aisles come 5:00am and bodyslam the nearest store employee/parent/grandmother-with-a-cane who dared get in the way of creating the anticipated and priceless moment under the tree when the hideous yet coveted toy would be presented to a half-interested Veruca Salt?

Ah, those were the days.

Not much has changed, but bedlam in the local Best Buy on Black Friday is not my topic today. My topic today is the Cabaret.

The Cabaret is a 24-hour strip club located along a major route just outside of Boston. And I drove by it today around 5:30pm. And the parking lot was full. Not just full—I mean FULL. There wasn't a single empty parking spot available.

What is the meaning of this, you might ask? Well, I asked myself the same thing as I passed by. My first thought was probably the same as yours: how gross, or how sad, or how pathetic must those men be.

But then I considered how many people were jamming up the roads and the on-ramps and off-ramps to the malls and how they represented the unabashed consumerism of the season. And how many people are hitting the stores at the very last minute to buy gifts, proving that the thought behind the gift counts much less than whether it's 4G or HD compatible.

Let me offer a new perspective on those contributing to the college funds of the dancers at the Cabaret. These guys are relaxing because they have either (1) finished all their shopping early, proving that they are thoughtful and deliberate gift-givers who do not procrastinate, or (2) have shunned the materialism of the holiday, proving that something much deeper and substantial than Christmas consumerism moves them (so to speak).

Perhaps we can all take a lesson from these guys. Maybe it's time to turn away from the stripmall and turn toward the stripclub to find the reason for the season. After all, there's a lot of giving going on in the Cabaret tonight, and isn't that what this time of year is all about?