Why I'm Glad I'm Not a Genius

Most people who know me would NOT characterize me as an intellectual, and I would have to agree. I ain't no intellectual. My mom says that when I was very young, I was given an IQ test, and apparently I scored in the genius range, or pretty darn close to it. Now, IF my mother remembers correctly, and IF the test was accurate, and IF there is such a thing as a five-year-old genius (and those are a lot
of IF's), then I'm pretty sure I squandered away that genius potential somewhere along the line.

On one level, I'm pretty okay with being the poster child for Waste of Potential. I make a good living, I try to give back a little by working with young people, I pay my taxes, I support local businesses, and I almost always obey traffic laws.

Besides, I know a lot of people who actually do have genius IQs. And they're no fun. If they're not curing diseases or designing new ways to harness nuclear energy, all they're really doing is working feverishly to complete Sudoku puzzles and crosswords. They're lousy kissers and are socially awkward and are condescending and ignorant about pop culture.

Not my people. At all.

Yep, being a genius is highly overrated. One of the nicest perks of NOT being a genius is being able to watch bad reality TV as much as I want without a lot of judgment, from myself or others. People are often surprised to hear about my fascination with TV shows that can easily be labeled Bad, Really Bad, and Ohmigosh-How-Can-You-Even-Watch-Something-That-Horrifyingly-and-Disgustingly Bad. My students especially are shocked to hear me pontificating about applying Aristotle's theories to the speeches of our founding fathers and segue almost seemlessly into how these same theories are at work on the commercials that punctuate shows like "Jersey Shore" and "Rock of Love" and "The Bachelorette."

These shows ARE fascinating. And if I were a certified genius, I couldn't watch them for fear of destroying valuable brain cells. But I've never smoked pot, so I figure I am ahead of the game in terms of brain cell count, and can therefore sacrifice a few to enjoy gems like these (and this is a direct quote, bad grammar and all from the season 4 premiere of "Millionaire Matchmaker"):

"Everything is going fabulous. I thought that maybe the age difference we maybe wouldn't have as many things in common, but I like alcohol and cheese."
[said during a date by the 24-year-old cocktail waitress matched with the 40-year-old millionaire]

So, let me catch you up. She is 24 and a party girl. She's also pretty smokin' hot and has little to no interest in settling down. He is 40 and rich and has a wicked garden of hair plugs that he has been obviously cultivating for quite a while. He is sexually attracted to party girls (hey, I'm straight, but even I know she's a hottie) but he wants a wife--and wants one now.

He keeps saying to the camera guys that he just doesn't know how this one will end up. They keep drinking, so that's a good sign. And they eat some cheese and share a veritable quesorgasm (kindly consult previous posts and a Spanish-English dictionary if you're lost).

So, booze and cheese. Oh yeah...she also mentions that they both like the Yankees and Stan's Sports Bar. Seriously, folks, don't we all know people who have married and/or procreated (not necessarily in that order) based on fewer commonalities? So maybe these two kids will make it. He's rich, so he can afford to keep buying her Raspberry Stoli and romano cheese and tanning sessions.

Spoiler Alert: They don't even make it to a second date. Even though they share a solid foundation of love for consuming dairy products while inebriated. Shocking and disappointing.

The point? Well, you just can't make this stuff up. Well, at least I can't make this stuff up. It's just SO bad that it is indescribably, deliciously, satisfyingly GOOD. And if it ever turns out that I actually AM a genius, I hope I'm never so uptight that I become unwilling or unable to give up a brain cell or two for a few moments of enjoyment that only trash TV like this can provide.

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