Why It's Okay to Look: The Illiterate Sports Fan

I've lived in the Boston area for just over a decade now, and the number of men I have met who could be serious contenders for a relationship has not exceeded the number of fingers I have, excluding thumbs. It's getting to the point where I am thinking that maybe New England is not the place for a native southern California girl to find...well, love OR lust. It's time to start documenting my search for the "L" words (both of them) for the giggles and groans of not only my readers, but for posterity as well.

The picture above is real. Not doctored. Not Photoshopped. Not created by me for a laugh. Real. Real disturbing. Being a fan is one thing, and being a fanatical fan is pretty work-a-day around these parts. Trust me: this guy's friends probably think this tat is wicked cool. And they should know, because they (his friends Sully, Neil, and O'Douls) are the bosses of what is wicked cool because they are wicked smaht. They'll admit they're not Roads Scholars, but they didn't even know about scholarships for roads or they would've applied. Anyway, this dude is smart, too, and if you don't believe it, just check out his ad (copied and pasted without revision, I swear):

Hey ladies listen I am a loyal Guy trustworthy sweet Italian I have an edge tho LOL I'm not desperate just trying to change the scene I like live. Musick the Boston night live funny! Movies I'm not into drama or b.s so if u want to know more shoot me an email with pics I have pics to trade I just gave u a taste I'm 5.9 and 200 lbs green eyes well hmu if u Wana know more I don't open spam email s so title the email not spam hope to hear from u all

The number of things to make fun of here is so numerous that I think you'll have more fun finding them on your own than having me point them out one by one.

Thank you, "30 attractive italian northshore." Thank you for making the terrible student essays I grade seem suddenly unterrible. Thank you for helping me believe my mom who tells me that I'm just too cute and smart for the guys out there. Thank you for making me listen to my friends who always say that it's not me, it's you--the men, er, boys--and that I really AM attractive and funny and smart and that the supply of quality guys around here just can't keep up with the demand. I always think they are just being nice and that if I believe them it will be a surrender to the single girl Kool-Aid. Well, I surrender. Pour me another glass.


Anonymous said...

match.com? that looks more like something you would see on plentyoffish or worse, craigslist personals. stop slumming and you may find less to write about.

Happy Dog said...

Well, cruising craigslist is sort of like watching Jersey Shore--you know it's trash, but it is SO entertaining, you just can't help yourself. If you haven't looked at the mm4tw classifieds or similar categories, you haven't lived! Don't knock it 'til you try it.

Anonymous said...

Whoever left the first comment misses the point completely.

The writing here is snide, snarky and fun--just the way I like it!

Happy Dog said...

Funny thing I just remembered. I was out with a guy once who I had known for a long time, and when things didn't go well, he threw it back in my face that he had wasted $32 on a bottle of wine. But I've been out with a guy I met on craigslist, and he spent $350 on the bottle of wine (dinner and drinks were somewhere in the neighborhood of $600 at the nicest French restaurant in Boston), and when we decided we weren't a good match we parted with a hug and a "good luck." And he never mentioned money--I figured it out on my own. Turns out HOW you meet a guy is NOT directly connected to how much class he has. Go figure.

Anonymous said...

wow! you dated the craigslist congressman? awesome. you are a real celebrity now!

Happy Dog said...

Christopher Lee? I didn't go out with him, but we were e-flirting. I knew who he was. All I needed was the shirtless photo of him so I could break the story to gawker, but that other chick beat me to it. I'm thinking of getting some tattoos and trying it again with Jesse James.